Walking After You


Nobody seems to think it's an idea worthy of applause.


Ria thinks that promises are unnecessary.

'If he loves you, he won't do anything a man in love wouldn't do.'

'You fear he'll attempt another relationship. You never know if it'll be a bad thing for sure.
Perhaps, then he'll discover nobody is more compatible with him than you are. Possibly, he'll realise nobody loves him as deeply and unconditionally as you do.'


The rest of the people, my people, think it's too ambiguous, too.. risky.

They think I'm the one who's going to get burned and suffer the whole ordeal of a full-blown break up all over again.

"But the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you're risking everything." -I forgot who*


I don't deny I'm going through a difficult time. There's nothing easy about this.

Carrying the insecurities of two people on my back. His, and my own, as additional baggage.

I'm afraid of voicing out mine to him. In fact I think I actually ponder and consider over everything I say to him. Double checked and censored. The last thing I need is him to get stressed and explode on me. So everything I want to inquire about, want him to clarify, I keep them under the cheery, it's-all-okay exterior and bury them deep within me.


He still grills me. All the questions.

I was exhausted today. I really was. All I wanted to do was to curl up in bed and sleep.

Looking at his messages choked full of attitude, I half-wanted to just tell him "But we're not fucking together!" and just turn off the phone and rest my eyes.

But a bigger part of me wanted to coax him, to pacify and to reassure him of my love, my fidelity. Because if I could ask him whatever I wanted and get away with , I know I would too.

I can't, and the uncertainty eats me up inside.


Wondering, questioning, imagining.

Every scene more disturbing, more excruciating than the last.

I don't want him remotely feeling anything I'm feeling now.
It makes no sense for two to suffer. One will do.

But okay la. Since he doesn't really love me he probably won't get steamrolled by movies in the mind derived from an over-active imagination like I do. Lol.


I want him happy. To feel cherished, loved.

All this with the notion that he doesn't feel the same. Really love me I mean.
That he's putting up with me for putting up's sake.

I wish I can know for sure. Sigh..

Every guy who flirts with me or tries to get too close, I say I'm reserved. Not looking for love cos I'm already IN love. I'm sure he doesn't do the same. Most probably he'll proudly announce: SINGLE.

I'm doing my best, giving in to his every whim when I'm used to being the princess.


All you guys, I know you mean well. You want to protect me from the highly possible hurt. To spare me the torment and torture he'll most likely inflict.

But I've made my choice.

It's the one in the battlefield. And this is when I'll really need you all as shields for protection against those harsh words, as swords, for courage to overcome my own petty jealousies and insecurities. That warm voice to tell me to hold on despite the cascading bloodshed.

Don't tell me it's over, that I can now release the sword and remove the armour.

Cos it's not.

I'm beginning to feel weary.. To think that to be loved is so much easier than loving.
Sometimes I get lost at the thin line of giving my all and giving up. It's so tiring to be the only one holding on or trying to make something work. I don't know whether the effort's worthwhile anymore..

But..


Will you stand by me?


I stand, by the one I love.

Maybe one day I'll fall and I can't get up.

And he won't know cos he's walking straight ahead without ever turning back.

Then, that'll be last I ever see of him. The brutal backview, growing smaller and smaller with every callous stride.

When I can't get up and go after him anymore, and he doesn't extend a hand to help me up.