Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Unwanted 'Accidents'
A whole new light on the the "vomitting whatever I eat and even if I don't eat" syndrome.
This is scary.
At least he's taking it seriously this time..
Men obviously never think of the consequences.
A whole new light on the the "vomitting whatever I eat and even if I don't eat" syndrome.
This is scary.
At least he's taking it seriously this time..
Men obviously never think of the consequences.
joviee's musings at 7:55:00 PM
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0 BEEPS!*
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0 BEEPS!*
Walking After You
Nobody seems to think it's an idea worthy of applause.
Ria thinks that promises are unnecessary.
'If he loves you, he won't do anything a man in love wouldn't do.'
'You fear he'll attempt another relationship. You never know if it'll be a bad thing for sure.
Perhaps, then he'll discover nobody is more compatible with him than you are. Possibly, he'll realise nobody loves him as deeply and unconditionally as you do.'
The rest of the people, my people, think it's too ambiguous, too.. risky.
They think I'm the one who's going to get burned and suffer the whole ordeal of a full-blown break up all over again.
"But the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you're risking everything." -I forgot who*
I don't deny I'm going through a difficult time. There's nothing easy about this.
Carrying the insecurities of two people on my back. His, and my own, as additional baggage.
I'm afraid of voicing out mine to him. In fact I think I actually ponder and consider over everything I say to him. Double checked and censored. The last thing I need is him to get stressed and explode on me. So everything I want to inquire about, want him to clarify, I keep them under the cheery, it's-all-okay exterior and bury them deep within me.
He still grills me. All the questions.
I was exhausted today. I really was. All I wanted to do was to curl up in bed and sleep.
Looking at his messages choked full of attitude, I half-wanted to just tell him "But we're not fucking together!" and just turn off the phone and rest my eyes.
But a bigger part of me wanted to coax him, to pacify and to reassure him of my love, my fidelity. Because if I could ask him whatever I wanted and get away with , I know I would too.
I can't, and the uncertainty eats me up inside.
Wondering, questioning, imagining.
Every scene more disturbing, more excruciating than the last.
I don't want him remotely feeling anything I'm feeling now.
It makes no sense for two to suffer. One will do.
But okay la. Since he doesn't really love me he probably won't get steamrolled by movies in the mind derived from an over-active imagination like I do. Lol.
I want him happy. To feel cherished, loved.
All this with the notion that he doesn't feel the same. Really love me I mean.
That he's putting up with me for putting up's sake.
I wish I can know for sure. Sigh..
Every guy who flirts with me or tries to get too close, I say I'm reserved. Not looking for love cos I'm already IN love. I'm sure he doesn't do the same. Most probably he'll proudly announce: SINGLE.
I'm doing my best, giving in to his every whim when I'm used to being the princess.
All you guys, I know you mean well. You want to protect me from the highly possible hurt. To spare me the torment and torture he'll most likely inflict.
But I've made my choice.
It's the one in the battlefield. And this is when I'll really need you all as shields for protection against those harsh words, as swords, for courage to overcome my own petty jealousies and insecurities. That warm voice to tell me to hold on despite the cascading bloodshed.
Don't tell me it's over, that I can now release the sword and remove the armour.
Cos it's not.
I'm beginning to feel weary.. To think that to be loved is so much easier than loving.
Sometimes I get lost at the thin line of giving my all and giving up. It's so tiring to be the only one holding on or trying to make something work. I don't know whether the effort's worthwhile anymore..
But..
Will you stand by me?
I stand, by the one I love.
Maybe one day I'll fall and I can't get up.
And he won't know cos he's walking straight ahead without ever turning back.
Then, that'll be last I ever see of him. The brutal backview, growing smaller and smaller with every callous stride.
When I can't get up and go after him anymore, and he doesn't extend a hand to help me up.
Nobody seems to think it's an idea worthy of applause.
Ria thinks that promises are unnecessary.
'If he loves you, he won't do anything a man in love wouldn't do.'
'You fear he'll attempt another relationship. You never know if it'll be a bad thing for sure.
Perhaps, then he'll discover nobody is more compatible with him than you are. Possibly, he'll realise nobody loves him as deeply and unconditionally as you do.'
The rest of the people, my people, think it's too ambiguous, too.. risky.
They think I'm the one who's going to get burned and suffer the whole ordeal of a full-blown break up all over again.
"But the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you're risking everything." -I forgot who*
I don't deny I'm going through a difficult time. There's nothing easy about this.
Carrying the insecurities of two people on my back. His, and my own, as additional baggage.
I'm afraid of voicing out mine to him. In fact I think I actually ponder and consider over everything I say to him. Double checked and censored. The last thing I need is him to get stressed and explode on me. So everything I want to inquire about, want him to clarify, I keep them under the cheery, it's-all-okay exterior and bury them deep within me.
He still grills me. All the questions.
I was exhausted today. I really was. All I wanted to do was to curl up in bed and sleep.
Looking at his messages choked full of attitude, I half-wanted to just tell him "But we're not fucking together!" and just turn off the phone and rest my eyes.
But a bigger part of me wanted to coax him, to pacify and to reassure him of my love, my fidelity. Because if I could ask him whatever I wanted and get away with , I know I would too.
I can't, and the uncertainty eats me up inside.
Wondering, questioning, imagining.
Every scene more disturbing, more excruciating than the last.
I don't want him remotely feeling anything I'm feeling now.
It makes no sense for two to suffer. One will do.
But okay la. Since he doesn't really love me he probably won't get steamrolled by movies in the mind derived from an over-active imagination like I do. Lol.
I want him happy. To feel cherished, loved.
All this with the notion that he doesn't feel the same. Really love me I mean.
That he's putting up with me for putting up's sake.
I wish I can know for sure. Sigh..
Every guy who flirts with me or tries to get too close, I say I'm reserved. Not looking for love cos I'm already IN love. I'm sure he doesn't do the same. Most probably he'll proudly announce: SINGLE.
I'm doing my best, giving in to his every whim when I'm used to being the princess.
All you guys, I know you mean well. You want to protect me from the highly possible hurt. To spare me the torment and torture he'll most likely inflict.
But I've made my choice.
It's the one in the battlefield. And this is when I'll really need you all as shields for protection against those harsh words, as swords, for courage to overcome my own petty jealousies and insecurities. That warm voice to tell me to hold on despite the cascading bloodshed.
Don't tell me it's over, that I can now release the sword and remove the armour.
Cos it's not.
I'm beginning to feel weary.. To think that to be loved is so much easier than loving.
Sometimes I get lost at the thin line of giving my all and giving up. It's so tiring to be the only one holding on or trying to make something work. I don't know whether the effort's worthwhile anymore..
But..
Will you stand by me?
I stand, by the one I love.
Maybe one day I'll fall and I can't get up.
And he won't know cos he's walking straight ahead without ever turning back.
Then, that'll be last I ever see of him. The brutal backview, growing smaller and smaller with every callous stride.
When I can't get up and go after him anymore, and he doesn't extend a hand to help me up.
joviee's musings at 12:06:00 AM ;
0 BEEPS!*
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0 BEEPS!*
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
hailed a taxi in the rain, looking fer someplace t ease the pain.
psychedelico: tell the taxi driver 25 farliegh ave!
jovina.* : hard to remember.
Thanks for the short term laugh husby.
Temporary hiatus I think.
Entries are getting increasingly whiny and private. Reiterating the same questions and point over and over again. So it's done conveniently in notepad.
Can anyone save me? Can anyone help me get through this?
I'm hurting. Hurting real bad.
To the extent that at this age and level of maturity, I'm starting to resorting to bloodshed to round off the endless crying jags and emo sessions.
I can't stand the pain. But I can't make it go away.
What am I gonna do. I can't afford to screw up this year.
But I can't continue living like this. Like a perpetual timebomb ticking away. Like a thousand knives squeezing blood from my guts at every constant thought.
And I can't pretend anymore. I'm not strong. I need someone to come baby me. Pride can't help me this time round.
It's not just the loss of a love. It's the thought that there can be no returning to those times. Even if he turns around things wouldn't be the same. Not like how I need them to.
Help.
I'm asking for it.
But who's gonna give it to me before it's too late?
psychedelico: tell the taxi driver 25 farliegh ave!
jovina.* : hard to remember.
Thanks for the short term laugh husby.
Temporary hiatus I think.
Entries are getting increasingly whiny and private. Reiterating the same questions and point over and over again. So it's done conveniently in notepad.
Can anyone save me? Can anyone help me get through this?
I'm hurting. Hurting real bad.
To the extent that at this age and level of maturity, I'm starting to resorting to bloodshed to round off the endless crying jags and emo sessions.
I can't stand the pain. But I can't make it go away.
What am I gonna do. I can't afford to screw up this year.
But I can't continue living like this. Like a perpetual timebomb ticking away. Like a thousand knives squeezing blood from my guts at every constant thought.
And I can't pretend anymore. I'm not strong. I need someone to come baby me. Pride can't help me this time round.
It's not just the loss of a love. It's the thought that there can be no returning to those times. Even if he turns around things wouldn't be the same. Not like how I need them to.
Help.
I'm asking for it.
But who's gonna give it to me before it's too late?
joviee's musings at 1:28:00 AM ;
0 BEEPS!*
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0 BEEPS!*
Monday, April 10, 2006
Perhaps one day, I might heal substantially enough to disclose not one but two blows that happened give and take 100 minutes ago.
I trust in time as a universal healer, the greatest of them all.
Thus, as a general rule, I allow myself time to mourn. To allow the hurt to subside.
However, I feel the primary cause of this particular grievance nowhere near worthy of my energies; my emotions that highly fluctuate. Blinded by misguided love, I believe I will be in danger of softening anytime, like before, and that will never do.
As such, for now at least, it'll be sealed most prudently. Buried in the very deepest abyss.
Best forgotten, never to be mentioned again.
This is the ending.
joviee's musings at 3:51:00 AM ;
0 BEEPS!*
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0 BEEPS!*
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Inarticulate Proposal
"The fury and madness amplified by impulsive, harsh roars we exchanged. But it is not the never ceasing bawls, but the tranquility of silence, the lonliness of solitude from your sudden absence which tears me apart more than hope and faith can retain.
The mere thought of what was, what is and what will be burns within with such toxicity it suffocates, it chokes. Severed slowly and surely, but the yearning remains, invisible to the eye. To return to the past, but glorious time machine there is none thus the uncompassionate clock will turn back not. Prospect are dry, but even if ripe it will never be as beautific as yesteryear.
Piece the lost jigsaw of me back with your warmth, your affection, your love. Sacrifices and compromises might revitalise, and with time yield what was once thought dead."
Triumph is not beyond possibility; with indomitable spirit and undertaking,
"The fury and madness amplified by impulsive, harsh roars we exchanged. But it is not the never ceasing bawls, but the tranquility of silence, the lonliness of solitude from your sudden absence which tears me apart more than hope and faith can retain.
The mere thought of what was, what is and what will be burns within with such toxicity it suffocates, it chokes. Severed slowly and surely, but the yearning remains, invisible to the eye. To return to the past, but glorious time machine there is none thus the uncompassionate clock will turn back not. Prospect are dry, but even if ripe it will never be as beautific as yesteryear.
Piece the lost jigsaw of me back with your warmth, your affection, your love. Sacrifices and compromises might revitalise, and with time yield what was once thought dead."
Triumph is not beyond possibility; with indomitable spirit and undertaking,
A new flower of us can still bloom.
joviee's musings at 10:25:00 PM ;
0 BEEPS!*
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0 BEEPS!*
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Tristan & Isolde
Remind me never to procrastinate. It interferes with my train of thoughts.
"We both know this cannot be, we've known it from the start. That doesn't mean it isn't true, it is. I want to know that you're alive somewhere thinking of me from time to time. I want to know that there's more to this life and I can't know that if they kill you. Please! Go!"
The timeless, medieval romance of the tragic love-triangle: King Mark, his most valiant warrier Tristan, and his wife Isolde, Tristan's love.
Though the movie did not stay faithful to the more intriguing myth, the changes would probably appeal to the mass, shallower audience.
Tristan of Cornwall was under the service of the man who saved his life as a child, King Marke. By a twist of fate, he was thought dead and sent on a boat which landed in Irish waters, and was saved by the Princess Isolde. (Cornwall was warring with Ireland.)
Isolde healed him, but told him not her name nor her status, for fear that he might flee before he was well. They began a passionate but ultimately doomed love affair.
Tristan: What's your name?
Isolde: Oh, I think it's better if we don't bother with names.
Tristan: How can I thank you if I don't have your name?
Isolde: You just did.
Tristan: Tristan of Aragon.
Isolde: Well Tristan of Aragon, I'd guess about you too, but I think I've already seen everything.
Shortly after Tristan returned to Cornwall, the Irish King announced a tournament that would win both his daughter, Isolde's hand and some lands.
Promising King Marke to win him a wife, Tristan gave his all and won Isolde's hand. Imagine his astonishment when she lifted her veil eagerly with an ecstatic "I'm yours" and her dismay when her father told her, "No. Tristan has won you on behalf of Lord Marke."
Isolde: But I'm your's. You touched me and I knew.
Tristan: It doesn't matter.
In Isolde's eyes, I identified her barely held back tears and choking voice with a torment and misery not unlike my own, when this conversation took place.
Tristan made his stand, he would be loyal to his King, and she should too, accept her fate for this marriage will end a hundred years of bloodshed.
His loyalty however, wavered to bitterness whenever he saw King Marke and Isolde behaving intimately together.
Tristan: I live in torture, thinking of these moments. With every look he gives you, I get sicker and sicker. There is a burning in me, I feel on fire, and there's guilt I can't comidify. Does it make you happy to know that?
Isolde: The Roman Bridge, I can get to it without being seen, and I'd go there any time to be with you.
That was the start of many stolen moments of passion together, it gave both of them a purpose in life, but at the same time, they were steamrolled by guilt towards King Marke, who loved both Isolde and Tristan dearly.
One could not, however, feel very much pity for Marke, especially at the love-making scene he shared with Isolde who was blinded with tears of sorrow, at the touch of a man she did not love, and Tristan's, face twisted with woe, lost in lamentations at his own helplessness.
She was bound by her fate. Unlike us. Modern women now have the right to choose.
WATCH THE MOVIE LA! NO MORE SPOILERS FROM ME.
Remember Isolde, who did not have a choice.
Remember Tristan and Isolde, the love who saved a kingdom.
Isolde: Love is as strong as death. Why be capable of feelings if we're not to have them? Why long for things if they're not meant to be ours?
Tristan: There are other things to live for; duty, honor.
Isolde: They are not life Tristan. They are shells of life. Love is made by God. Ignore it and you suffer as you cannot imagine.
Tristan: Then I will no longer live without it.
Remind me never to procrastinate. It interferes with my train of thoughts.
"We both know this cannot be, we've known it from the start. That doesn't mean it isn't true, it is. I want to know that you're alive somewhere thinking of me from time to time. I want to know that there's more to this life and I can't know that if they kill you. Please! Go!"
The timeless, medieval romance of the tragic love-triangle: King Mark, his most valiant warrier Tristan, and his wife Isolde, Tristan's love.
Though the movie did not stay faithful to the more intriguing myth, the changes would probably appeal to the mass, shallower audience.
Tristan of Cornwall was under the service of the man who saved his life as a child, King Marke. By a twist of fate, he was thought dead and sent on a boat which landed in Irish waters, and was saved by the Princess Isolde. (Cornwall was warring with Ireland.)
Isolde healed him, but told him not her name nor her status, for fear that he might flee before he was well. They began a passionate but ultimately doomed love affair.
Tristan: What's your name?
Isolde: Oh, I think it's better if we don't bother with names.
Tristan: How can I thank you if I don't have your name?
Isolde: You just did.
Tristan: Tristan of Aragon.
Isolde: Well Tristan of Aragon, I'd guess about you too, but I think I've already seen everything.
Shortly after Tristan returned to Cornwall, the Irish King announced a tournament that would win both his daughter, Isolde's hand and some lands.
Promising King Marke to win him a wife, Tristan gave his all and won Isolde's hand. Imagine his astonishment when she lifted her veil eagerly with an ecstatic "I'm yours" and her dismay when her father told her, "No. Tristan has won you on behalf of Lord Marke."
Isolde: But I'm your's. You touched me and I knew.
Tristan: It doesn't matter.
In Isolde's eyes, I identified her barely held back tears and choking voice with a torment and misery not unlike my own, when this conversation took place.
Tristan made his stand, he would be loyal to his King, and she should too, accept her fate for this marriage will end a hundred years of bloodshed.
His loyalty however, wavered to bitterness whenever he saw King Marke and Isolde behaving intimately together.
Tristan: I live in torture, thinking of these moments. With every look he gives you, I get sicker and sicker. There is a burning in me, I feel on fire, and there's guilt I can't comidify. Does it make you happy to know that?
Isolde: The Roman Bridge, I can get to it without being seen, and I'd go there any time to be with you.
That was the start of many stolen moments of passion together, it gave both of them a purpose in life, but at the same time, they were steamrolled by guilt towards King Marke, who loved both Isolde and Tristan dearly.
One could not, however, feel very much pity for Marke, especially at the love-making scene he shared with Isolde who was blinded with tears of sorrow, at the touch of a man she did not love, and Tristan's, face twisted with woe, lost in lamentations at his own helplessness.
She was bound by her fate. Unlike us. Modern women now have the right to choose.
WATCH THE MOVIE LA! NO MORE SPOILERS FROM ME.
Remember Isolde, who did not have a choice.
Remember Tristan and Isolde, the love who saved a kingdom.
Isolde: Love is as strong as death. Why be capable of feelings if we're not to have them? Why long for things if they're not meant to be ours?
Tristan: There are other things to live for; duty, honor.
Isolde: They are not life Tristan. They are shells of life. Love is made by God. Ignore it and you suffer as you cannot imagine.
Tristan: Then I will no longer live without it.
joviee's musings at 6:12:00 PM ;
0 BEEPS!*
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0 BEEPS!*
Eyes Closed
Just got home from the 00:40 Tristan & Isolde slot at Cine.
Was expecting a nice, quiet, sweet-smelling room when POOF. I did see those shoes outside my house but I think I forgot that there were four extra younger brothers in my house tonight. -__-
My eyes are closing as I type.. so I'll have to save the kickass review for tomorrow.
You guys know, it's not any old movie to me right? I mean, I thought it was not coming out in Singapore since it was released in what, January in the US. And then today I found out, HEY CATHAY'S SHOWING TRISTAN & ISOLDE.
Woop.
It's the beautiful tale of star-crossed lovers, way before Romeo and Juliet. Deeper too I'll say. Not like the shallow, though intense love between Romeo and Juliet. Tragedy, Loyalty and Love is given a new definition in this story of love and war.
I found out about them way back, when I was reading some website to curb my little known fascination in Mythologies.
Anyway, the most important revelation among many it brought to me was:
I love Samuel. Nothing's going to change that. I don't want to get over him. I'll have backbone, like what my Mom said, what my pride commands, and stop clinging on to him, bugging him 24/7 like a lovesick little school girl.
But I'll still love him. No matter what pain and lonliness I know I will emote incessantly. And I hope that one day, he'll realise his heart still belongs to me too. He is my first and only love, lover, and I want it to remain that way. Nobody else shall know me in so intimate a way he does. Every part of me, will be reserved for him.
How many have you loved before me?
none.
And after me?
none.
-seen this on my msn's personal nickname maybe two months back, anyone? ^^
P.S. Sorry V.. I really had no idea you were planning to come.. Otherwise I wouldn't have made plans.. ): Well at least you got to eat the choco cheesecake you bought for me.. I wouldn't have left any for you. :P
Just got home from the 00:40 Tristan & Isolde slot at Cine.
Was expecting a nice, quiet, sweet-smelling room when POOF. I did see those shoes outside my house but I think I forgot that there were four extra younger brothers in my house tonight. -__-
My eyes are closing as I type.. so I'll have to save the kickass review for tomorrow.
You guys know, it's not any old movie to me right? I mean, I thought it was not coming out in Singapore since it was released in what, January in the US. And then today I found out, HEY CATHAY'S SHOWING TRISTAN & ISOLDE.
Woop.
It's the beautiful tale of star-crossed lovers, way before Romeo and Juliet. Deeper too I'll say. Not like the shallow, though intense love between Romeo and Juliet. Tragedy, Loyalty and Love is given a new definition in this story of love and war.
I found out about them way back, when I was reading some website to curb my little known fascination in Mythologies.
Anyway, the most important revelation among many it brought to me was:
I love Samuel. Nothing's going to change that. I don't want to get over him. I'll have backbone, like what my Mom said, what my pride commands, and stop clinging on to him, bugging him 24/7 like a lovesick little school girl.
But I'll still love him. No matter what pain and lonliness I know I will emote incessantly. And I hope that one day, he'll realise his heart still belongs to me too. He is my first and only love, lover, and I want it to remain that way. Nobody else shall know me in so intimate a way he does. Every part of me, will be reserved for him.
How many have you loved before me?
none.
And after me?
none.
-seen this on my msn's personal nickname maybe two months back, anyone? ^^
P.S. Sorry V.. I really had no idea you were planning to come.. Otherwise I wouldn't have made plans.. ): Well at least you got to eat the choco cheesecake you bought for me.. I wouldn't have left any for you. :P
joviee's musings at 4:17:00 AM ;
0 BEEPS!*
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0 BEEPS!*
Friday, April 07, 2006
Naive Tendencies
Screw them all, Romeos and Heroes.
Sunday is gloomy, my hours are slumberless.
Dearest the shadows I live with are numberless.
Little white flowers will never awaken you;
Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you.
Angels have no thought of ever returning you;
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you?
Gloomy is Sunday with shadows I spend it all.
My heart and I have decided to end it all
Soon there'll be candles and prayers that are said I know;
Let them not weep, let them know that I'm glad to go.
Death is no dream for in death I'm caressing you.
With the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you.
Dreaming, I was only dreaming.
I wake and I find you asleep in the deep of my heart, here.
Darling I hope that my dream never haunted you.
My heart is telling you how much I wanted you.
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=manly_suicide
So what should it be?
Shiny metallic glistening in the light. Beckoning warmly. Crimson liquid would look gorgeous on that flawless surface. I ache to relish in that romantic, haunting moment. Half paralysis would be a certainty.
Three stabs before bed. Or seven slices before nightmare.
Scale the stories and land face first on the sidewalk? It'll only take a second.
The brain juices would be revolting but fuck.
You're not the one cleaning up.
There's an alternative if I chickened out of course. I'm a real baby when it comes to pain.
Twenty-seven of them. Little white capsules spilling out from the packet. The dosage said two. Take two before bed.
Or take all before breakfast.
Screw them all, Romeos and Heroes.
Sunday is gloomy, my hours are slumberless.
Dearest the shadows I live with are numberless.
Little white flowers will never awaken you;
Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you.
Angels have no thought of ever returning you;
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you?
Gloomy is Sunday with shadows I spend it all.
My heart and I have decided to end it all
Soon there'll be candles and prayers that are said I know;
Let them not weep, let them know that I'm glad to go.
Death is no dream for in death I'm caressing you.
With the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you.
Dreaming, I was only dreaming.
I wake and I find you asleep in the deep of my heart, here.
Darling I hope that my dream never haunted you.
My heart is telling you how much I wanted you.
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=manly_suicide
So what should it be?
Shiny metallic glistening in the light. Beckoning warmly. Crimson liquid would look gorgeous on that flawless surface. I ache to relish in that romantic, haunting moment. Half paralysis would be a certainty.
Three stabs before bed. Or seven slices before nightmare.
Scale the stories and land face first on the sidewalk? It'll only take a second.
The brain juices would be revolting but fuck.
You're not the one cleaning up.
There's an alternative if I chickened out of course. I'm a real baby when it comes to pain.
Twenty-seven of them. Little white capsules spilling out from the packet. The dosage said two. Take two before bed.
Or take all before breakfast.
joviee's musings at 3:47:00 PM ;
0 BEEPS!*
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0 BEEPS!*
no matter how desperately i try to cover it up with a facade of relief at the freedom gained, whenever the bitter night falls, once so soothing and welcoming, it is now bleak and dark.
packed schedules. multitude of friends and possible flings.
numerous commentary that it is better this way; that you were nothing near good enough.
i still miss you, love you and want you by my side.
so tell me, how could an angel break my heart?
joviee's musings at 4:58:00 AM ;
0 BEEPS!*
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0 BEEPS!*
Second Try
I am fuming! After typing such a long post, something happened to my IE and POOF it's gone! ): Now I know how those bloggers feel.
Never mind.
I will leave the cycle of acceptance to tomorrow and will blog about more amusing things today. This way I wouldn't have to keep digressing too.
-
I'm hungry. If I still have a boyfriend I'll make him cook for me. :(
The maid is sleeping, the mother is too lazy/busy. AAAH.
At least I still have my dear Vin2 who offered to buy Macs for me. :D
-
Win pasted something I thought was kinda funny hahaha.
if i told you i still loved you, would you still care?:
*** Now talking in #jovina #jovina @alwin #jovina End of /NAMES list.
Omfg. LOL. I didn't even remember this namesake of a channel Pure started.
Lets see.. Who were the regulars?
Deesee. Adi. Alwin. Pure. Jarryd. Wanwin. Any guy I was with at the moment.
Occasional visitors. Think I missed out some. Hmm.
My point is, out of the crowd, only Win is left!
alwin: i everyday also here loh
alwin: sometimes people whois me
alwin: come in see see
alwin: i'm your #1 fan
Ahaha. When I get rich and famous one day, I'll definitely remember my most devoted supporter. :P Miss you tons, silly one.
Remember all those crazy logs dated Dec 2004? Wish I still have them. Definitely could do with some laughs right now.
-
Oh yeah I seriously think my mom is going through a midlife crisis or something, her being 40 this year. She strutted out of her robe, dressed in a silk robe and she went "Do you think I look like a rich man's wife?"
Honestly.
Jenson and I looked at her like she was crazy.
And she just giggled. And giggled somemore. -.-
-
Talked to Torphaine after a.. I think.. 3 year hiatus?!
Torphaine: haha. i remember u only go for hunks.
-.-" !!
Naturally, I protested and all.. then he went "that's what i remember of u wat. and u like pasta mania."
LOL.
-
And something amusing/annoying I noticed.
The first question people generally ask me after we've lost contact for a period of time would definitely be "So, Jov, who are you attached to now?"
Am I really such a.. frivolous creature in the eyes of the masses? -.-
Oh yes, Happy Birthday to the April babies: Benny, Matthew, Wei An and Benji. Sorry I couldn't make it to Curious tonight Memo. Sat night aight! Dinner and ktv. ^^
I am fuming! After typing such a long post, something happened to my IE and POOF it's gone! ): Now I know how those bloggers feel.
Never mind.
I will leave the cycle of acceptance to tomorrow and will blog about more amusing things today. This way I wouldn't have to keep digressing too.
-
I'm hungry. If I still have a boyfriend I'll make him cook for me. :(
The maid is sleeping, the mother is too lazy/busy. AAAH.
At least I still have my dear Vin2 who offered to buy Macs for me. :D
-
Win pasted something I thought was kinda funny hahaha.
if i told you i still loved you, would you still care?:
*** Now talking in #jovina #jovina @alwin #jovina End of /NAMES list.
Omfg. LOL. I didn't even remember this namesake of a channel Pure started.
Lets see.. Who were the regulars?
Deesee. Adi. Alwin. Pure. Jarryd. Wanwin. Any guy I was with at the moment.
Occasional visitors. Think I missed out some. Hmm.
My point is, out of the crowd, only Win is left!
alwin: sometimes people whois me
alwin: come in see see
alwin: i'm your #1 fan
Remember all those crazy logs dated Dec 2004? Wish I still have them. Definitely could do with some laughs right now.
-
Oh yeah I seriously think my mom is going through a midlife crisis or something, her being 40 this year. She strutted out of her robe, dressed in a silk robe and she went "Do you think I look like a rich man's wife?"
Honestly.
Jenson and I looked at her like she was crazy.
And she just giggled. And giggled somemore. -.-
-
Talked to Torphaine after a.. I think.. 3 year hiatus?!
Torphaine: haha. i remember u only go for hunks.
-.-" !!
Naturally, I protested and all.. then he went "that's what i remember of u wat. and u like pasta mania."
LOL.
-
And something amusing/annoying I noticed.
The first question people generally ask me after we've lost contact for a period of time would definitely be "So, Jov, who are you attached to now?"
Am I really such a.. frivolous creature in the eyes of the masses? -.-
Oh yes, Happy Birthday to the April babies: Benny, Matthew, Wei An and Benji. Sorry I couldn't make it to Curious tonight Memo. Sat night aight! Dinner and ktv. ^^
joviee's musings at 2:15:00 AM ;
0 BEEPS!*
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0 BEEPS!*
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
记得
谁还记得是谁先说永远的爱我
以前的一句话是我们以后的伤口
过了太久没人记得当初那些温柔
我和你手牵手说要一起走到最后
我们都忘了 这条路走了多久
心中是清楚的
有一天 有一天都会停的
让时间说真话 虽然我也害怕
在天黑了以后
我们都不知道 会不会有遗憾
我们都累了 却没办法往回走
两颗心都迷惑
怎么说 怎么说都没有救
亲爱的为什么 也许你也不懂
两个相爱的人
等对方先说找分开的理由
谁还记得爱情开始变化的时候
我和你的眼中看见了不同的天空
走的太远终于走到分岔路的路口
是不是你和我要有两个相反的梦
我和你手牵手说要一起走到最后
谁还记得是谁先说永远的爱我
以前的一句话是我们以后的伤口
过了太久没人记得当初那些温柔
我和你手牵手说要一起走到最后
我们都忘了 这条路走了多久
心中是清楚的
有一天 有一天都会停的
让时间说真话 虽然我也害怕
在天黑了以后
我们都不知道 会不会有遗憾
我们都累了 却没办法往回走
两颗心都迷惑
怎么说 怎么说都没有救
亲爱的为什么 也许你也不懂
两个相爱的人
等对方先说找分开的理由
谁还记得爱情开始变化的时候
我和你的眼中看见了不同的天空
走的太远终于走到分岔路的路口
是不是你和我要有两个相反的梦
我和你手牵手说要一起走到最后
joviee's musings at 8:12:00 PM ;
0 BEEPS!*
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0 BEEPS!*
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Final Resignation
I'm tired. Sad.
Tried to give my all but to wasted efforts.
I'm the one trying,
He takes it for granted.
I'm the one crying all the time.
He's the one losing his temper.
I avoided talking to my friends so he wouldn't get angry.
He went out with his friends. Girls included.
I couldn't eat a single thing. Missed lunch, missed dinner.
He was out having dinner with his friends.
He expects me to call him.
He refused to call cos he expected me to call.
He told me to leave messages if I couldn't get him.
I did, and it was my fault he didn't receieved it.
1.5 hour late. He loses it.
Disappearing act: 4 Hours. He gets annoyed when I lost it. And I didn't actually. I tried to be coherent and calm despite being so upset I was choking back tears.
He doubts me. "You're lying, you're lying."
I put up with it. I denied, and assured him.
He?
Bah.
"I don't think I'm at fault and I don't see why you're throwing a tantrum."
Of course not.
Will it kill to console. Allergic to affection?
Is an "I'm sorry, I love you baby" too much to ask for?
Is a hug too difficult to give?
Don't I deserve to be spoilt, or even loved anymore?
The torturous pain. The agonizing confusion. I never want to go through that again.
'Why isn't his phone turned on?'
'Is he avoiding me?'
'Is he with a girl, and he doesn't want me distrupting their date?'
'Is he making out with a girl?'
'Is he screwing the girl?'
Retribution? Ha.
I don't want to know. Nor care anymore.
I'm sure he doesn't either.
It's way overdued but I've finally made up my mind:
I give up.
I'm tired. Sad.
Tried to give my all but to wasted efforts.
I'm the one trying,
He takes it for granted.
I'm the one crying all the time.
He's the one losing his temper.
I avoided talking to my friends so he wouldn't get angry.
He went out with his friends. Girls included.
I couldn't eat a single thing. Missed lunch, missed dinner.
He was out having dinner with his friends.
He expects me to call him.
He refused to call cos he expected me to call.
He told me to leave messages if I couldn't get him.
I did, and it was my fault he didn't receieved it.
1.5 hour late. He loses it.
Disappearing act: 4 Hours. He gets annoyed when I lost it. And I didn't actually. I tried to be coherent and calm despite being so upset I was choking back tears.
He doubts me. "You're lying, you're lying."
I put up with it. I denied, and assured him.
He?
Bah.
"I don't think I'm at fault and I don't see why you're throwing a tantrum."
Of course not.
Will it kill to console. Allergic to affection?
Is an "I'm sorry, I love you baby" too much to ask for?
Is a hug too difficult to give?
Don't I deserve to be spoilt, or even loved anymore?
The torturous pain. The agonizing confusion. I never want to go through that again.
'Why isn't his phone turned on?'
'Is he avoiding me?'
'Is he with a girl, and he doesn't want me distrupting their date?'
'Is he making out with a girl?'
'Is he screwing the girl?'
Retribution? Ha.
I don't want to know. Nor care anymore.
I'm sure he doesn't either.
It's way overdued but I've finally made up my mind:
I give up.
joviee's musings at 11:35:00 PM ;
0 BEEPS!*
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0 BEEPS!*
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Lucky Crimson Thongs of Euphoria
I swear by them, the luckiest article of clothing in the world.
Maybe only Espirit one though.. Hmm..
At first I thought it worked only for a matter or hours. But I guess I should only make a conclusion at the end of the day.
I made up with my baby, I caught up with lotsa old friends, I'm sorting out my priorities.
STUDY!
Outta 6 express classes, only 3 got more than 20!
Wish I never left Xinmin. ):
Oh well. I'll just have to work extra hard, put in more effort I suppose.
I'm so gonna do well. -chants
On a lighter note..
I finally bought it!
Know what, know what?
TADA! Boss Intense!
Yeah I know. Just another EDP. So what huh?
It makes me happy and that's what matters!
Alluringly provocative.
Scent, the sheer but sheer seduction.
My baby's Hugo Energise drives me crazy. He knows it. And that cheeky CHAP exploits that knowledge sometimes unscrupulously to his best advantage. ><
I swear by them, the luckiest article of clothing in the world.
Maybe only Espirit one though.. Hmm..
At first I thought it worked only for a matter or hours. But I guess I should only make a conclusion at the end of the day.
I made up with my baby, I caught up with lotsa old friends, I'm sorting out my priorities.
STUDY!
Outta 6 express classes, only 3 got more than 20!
Wish I never left Xinmin. ):
Oh well. I'll just have to work extra hard, put in more effort I suppose.
I'm so gonna do well. -chants
On a lighter note..
I finally bought it!
Know what, know what?
TADA! Boss Intense!
Yeah I know. Just another EDP. So what huh?
It makes me happy and that's what matters!
Alluringly provocative.
Scent, the sheer but sheer seduction.
My baby's Hugo Energise drives me crazy. He knows it. And that cheeky CHAP exploits that knowledge sometimes unscrupulously to his best advantage. ><
joviee's musings at 7:43:00 PM ;
0 BEEPS!*
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0 BEEPS!*
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Lord, what Fools these Mortals be!
I'm not going to rave about his starting of school being the catalyst to this rough patch, or to define it more accurately, this might-be temporary/permanent split.
No, there are more pressing and significant issues at hand.
Like, He doesn't love me anymore.
I hate to doubt him but.. From my point of view, it all points to that conclusion.
He doesn't want to meet me. He stops calling. The last time he came over he told me he had to forced himself to. Force. Meaning he was unwilling to come.
Who wouldn't want to meet the one he/she loves?!
I try reaching out to him but he just turns away.
His withdrawal is extremely disconcerting. I don't know what to think. Yes, we're on a hiatus but hello? Is this necessary?
Another cause for concern would be his severe lack of concern. The ironic thing is, I've always resented his frequent questioning of "Who called you? Who text-ed you?". Now that he doesn't ask anymore, it's causing me distress. =.=
Maybe I'm just being too sensitive. I doubt it, But there is a possibility that I've been so petted and spoiled by him that yeah. I get silly over meagre matters.
Is this nymph a fool for clinging on to this one-sided relationship?
I don't know. Everytime I take a step backwards, an inexplicable force pushes me ahead.
How long can I hold on if he continues this indifferent behaviour of his? And should I? I am just foolishly deluding myself. Am I just entrapped in this relationship?
Will there be a happy ending? Or will he just shred my heart into millions of little fragments. Relationships are ephemeral afterall.
P.S. Seem to have lost my penchant for melodramatic, flowery language. I think I sound like I'm answering a history essay question. Matter-of-fact. Annoying! IMMA PURE LITERATURE STUDENT OKAY!
You like to think I'm just crazy when I say that you've changed.
But I'm convinced I know the problem:
You don't love me the same.
I'm not going to rave about his starting of school being the catalyst to this rough patch, or to define it more accurately, this might-be temporary/permanent split.
No, there are more pressing and significant issues at hand.
Like, He doesn't love me anymore.
I hate to doubt him but.. From my point of view, it all points to that conclusion.
He doesn't want to meet me. He stops calling. The last time he came over he told me he had to forced himself to. Force. Meaning he was unwilling to come.
Who wouldn't want to meet the one he/she loves?!
I try reaching out to him but he just turns away.
His withdrawal is extremely disconcerting. I don't know what to think. Yes, we're on a hiatus but hello? Is this necessary?
Another cause for concern would be his severe lack of concern. The ironic thing is, I've always resented his frequent questioning of "Who called you? Who text-ed you?". Now that he doesn't ask anymore, it's causing me distress. =.=
Maybe I'm just being too sensitive. I doubt it, But there is a possibility that I've been so petted and spoiled by him that yeah. I get silly over meagre matters.
Is this nymph a fool for clinging on to this one-sided relationship?
I don't know. Everytime I take a step backwards, an inexplicable force pushes me ahead.
How long can I hold on if he continues this indifferent behaviour of his? And should I? I am just foolishly deluding myself. Am I just entrapped in this relationship?
Will there be a happy ending? Or will he just shred my heart into millions of little fragments. Relationships are ephemeral afterall.
P.S. Seem to have lost my penchant for melodramatic, flowery language. I think I sound like I'm answering a history essay question. Matter-of-fact. Annoying! IMMA PURE LITERATURE STUDENT OKAY!
You like to think I'm just crazy when I say that you've changed.
But I'm convinced I know the problem:
You don't love me the same.
joviee's musings at 12:24:00 AM ;
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0 BEEPS!*
