Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Unwanted 'Accidents'
A whole new light on the the "vomitting whatever I eat and even if I don't eat" syndrome.
This is scary.
At least he's taking it seriously this time..
Men obviously never think of the consequences.
A whole new light on the the "vomitting whatever I eat and even if I don't eat" syndrome.
This is scary.
At least he's taking it seriously this time..
Men obviously never think of the consequences.
joviee's musings at 7:55:00 PM
;
0 BEEPS!*
;
0 BEEPS!*
Walking After You
Nobody seems to think it's an idea worthy of applause.
Ria thinks that promises are unnecessary.
'If he loves you, he won't do anything a man in love wouldn't do.'
'You fear he'll attempt another relationship. You never know if it'll be a bad thing for sure.
Perhaps, then he'll discover nobody is more compatible with him than you are. Possibly, he'll realise nobody loves him as deeply and unconditionally as you do.'
The rest of the people, my people, think it's too ambiguous, too.. risky.
They think I'm the one who's going to get burned and suffer the whole ordeal of a full-blown break up all over again.
"But the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you're risking everything." -I forgot who*
I don't deny I'm going through a difficult time. There's nothing easy about this.
Carrying the insecurities of two people on my back. His, and my own, as additional baggage.
I'm afraid of voicing out mine to him. In fact I think I actually ponder and consider over everything I say to him. Double checked and censored. The last thing I need is him to get stressed and explode on me. So everything I want to inquire about, want him to clarify, I keep them under the cheery, it's-all-okay exterior and bury them deep within me.
He still grills me. All the questions.
I was exhausted today. I really was. All I wanted to do was to curl up in bed and sleep.
Looking at his messages choked full of attitude, I half-wanted to just tell him "But we're not fucking together!" and just turn off the phone and rest my eyes.
But a bigger part of me wanted to coax him, to pacify and to reassure him of my love, my fidelity. Because if I could ask him whatever I wanted and get away with , I know I would too.
I can't, and the uncertainty eats me up inside.
Wondering, questioning, imagining.
Every scene more disturbing, more excruciating than the last.
I don't want him remotely feeling anything I'm feeling now.
It makes no sense for two to suffer. One will do.
But okay la. Since he doesn't really love me he probably won't get steamrolled by movies in the mind derived from an over-active imagination like I do. Lol.
I want him happy. To feel cherished, loved.
All this with the notion that he doesn't feel the same. Really love me I mean.
That he's putting up with me for putting up's sake.
I wish I can know for sure. Sigh..
Every guy who flirts with me or tries to get too close, I say I'm reserved. Not looking for love cos I'm already IN love. I'm sure he doesn't do the same. Most probably he'll proudly announce: SINGLE.
I'm doing my best, giving in to his every whim when I'm used to being the princess.
All you guys, I know you mean well. You want to protect me from the highly possible hurt. To spare me the torment and torture he'll most likely inflict.
But I've made my choice.
It's the one in the battlefield. And this is when I'll really need you all as shields for protection against those harsh words, as swords, for courage to overcome my own petty jealousies and insecurities. That warm voice to tell me to hold on despite the cascading bloodshed.
Don't tell me it's over, that I can now release the sword and remove the armour.
Cos it's not.
I'm beginning to feel weary.. To think that to be loved is so much easier than loving.
Sometimes I get lost at the thin line of giving my all and giving up. It's so tiring to be the only one holding on or trying to make something work. I don't know whether the effort's worthwhile anymore..
But..
Will you stand by me?
I stand, by the one I love.
Maybe one day I'll fall and I can't get up.
And he won't know cos he's walking straight ahead without ever turning back.
Then, that'll be last I ever see of him. The brutal backview, growing smaller and smaller with every callous stride.
When I can't get up and go after him anymore, and he doesn't extend a hand to help me up.
Nobody seems to think it's an idea worthy of applause.
Ria thinks that promises are unnecessary.
'If he loves you, he won't do anything a man in love wouldn't do.'
'You fear he'll attempt another relationship. You never know if it'll be a bad thing for sure.
Perhaps, then he'll discover nobody is more compatible with him than you are. Possibly, he'll realise nobody loves him as deeply and unconditionally as you do.'
The rest of the people, my people, think it's too ambiguous, too.. risky.
They think I'm the one who's going to get burned and suffer the whole ordeal of a full-blown break up all over again.
"But the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you're risking everything." -I forgot who*
I don't deny I'm going through a difficult time. There's nothing easy about this.
Carrying the insecurities of two people on my back. His, and my own, as additional baggage.
I'm afraid of voicing out mine to him. In fact I think I actually ponder and consider over everything I say to him. Double checked and censored. The last thing I need is him to get stressed and explode on me. So everything I want to inquire about, want him to clarify, I keep them under the cheery, it's-all-okay exterior and bury them deep within me.
He still grills me. All the questions.
I was exhausted today. I really was. All I wanted to do was to curl up in bed and sleep.
Looking at his messages choked full of attitude, I half-wanted to just tell him "But we're not fucking together!" and just turn off the phone and rest my eyes.
But a bigger part of me wanted to coax him, to pacify and to reassure him of my love, my fidelity. Because if I could ask him whatever I wanted and get away with , I know I would too.
I can't, and the uncertainty eats me up inside.
Wondering, questioning, imagining.
Every scene more disturbing, more excruciating than the last.
I don't want him remotely feeling anything I'm feeling now.
It makes no sense for two to suffer. One will do.
But okay la. Since he doesn't really love me he probably won't get steamrolled by movies in the mind derived from an over-active imagination like I do. Lol.
I want him happy. To feel cherished, loved.
All this with the notion that he doesn't feel the same. Really love me I mean.
That he's putting up with me for putting up's sake.
I wish I can know for sure. Sigh..
Every guy who flirts with me or tries to get too close, I say I'm reserved. Not looking for love cos I'm already IN love. I'm sure he doesn't do the same. Most probably he'll proudly announce: SINGLE.
I'm doing my best, giving in to his every whim when I'm used to being the princess.
All you guys, I know you mean well. You want to protect me from the highly possible hurt. To spare me the torment and torture he'll most likely inflict.
But I've made my choice.
It's the one in the battlefield. And this is when I'll really need you all as shields for protection against those harsh words, as swords, for courage to overcome my own petty jealousies and insecurities. That warm voice to tell me to hold on despite the cascading bloodshed.
Don't tell me it's over, that I can now release the sword and remove the armour.
Cos it's not.
I'm beginning to feel weary.. To think that to be loved is so much easier than loving.
Sometimes I get lost at the thin line of giving my all and giving up. It's so tiring to be the only one holding on or trying to make something work. I don't know whether the effort's worthwhile anymore..
But..
Will you stand by me?
I stand, by the one I love.
Maybe one day I'll fall and I can't get up.
And he won't know cos he's walking straight ahead without ever turning back.
Then, that'll be last I ever see of him. The brutal backview, growing smaller and smaller with every callous stride.
When I can't get up and go after him anymore, and he doesn't extend a hand to help me up.
joviee's musings at 12:06:00 AM ;
0 BEEPS!*
;
0 BEEPS!*
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
hailed a taxi in the rain, looking fer someplace t ease the pain.
psychedelico: tell the taxi driver 25 farliegh ave!
jovina.* : hard to remember.
Thanks for the short term laugh husby.
Temporary hiatus I think.
Entries are getting increasingly whiny and private. Reiterating the same questions and point over and over again. So it's done conveniently in notepad.
Can anyone save me? Can anyone help me get through this?
I'm hurting. Hurting real bad.
To the extent that at this age and level of maturity, I'm starting to resorting to bloodshed to round off the endless crying jags and emo sessions.
I can't stand the pain. But I can't make it go away.
What am I gonna do. I can't afford to screw up this year.
But I can't continue living like this. Like a perpetual timebomb ticking away. Like a thousand knives squeezing blood from my guts at every constant thought.
And I can't pretend anymore. I'm not strong. I need someone to come baby me. Pride can't help me this time round.
It's not just the loss of a love. It's the thought that there can be no returning to those times. Even if he turns around things wouldn't be the same. Not like how I need them to.
Help.
I'm asking for it.
But who's gonna give it to me before it's too late?
psychedelico: tell the taxi driver 25 farliegh ave!
jovina.* : hard to remember.
Thanks for the short term laugh husby.
Temporary hiatus I think.
Entries are getting increasingly whiny and private. Reiterating the same questions and point over and over again. So it's done conveniently in notepad.
Can anyone save me? Can anyone help me get through this?
I'm hurting. Hurting real bad.
To the extent that at this age and level of maturity, I'm starting to resorting to bloodshed to round off the endless crying jags and emo sessions.
I can't stand the pain. But I can't make it go away.
What am I gonna do. I can't afford to screw up this year.
But I can't continue living like this. Like a perpetual timebomb ticking away. Like a thousand knives squeezing blood from my guts at every constant thought.
And I can't pretend anymore. I'm not strong. I need someone to come baby me. Pride can't help me this time round.
It's not just the loss of a love. It's the thought that there can be no returning to those times. Even if he turns around things wouldn't be the same. Not like how I need them to.
Help.
I'm asking for it.
But who's gonna give it to me before it's too late?
joviee's musings at 1:28:00 AM ;
0 BEEPS!*
;
0 BEEPS!*
Monday, April 10, 2006
Perhaps one day, I might heal substantially enough to disclose not one but two blows that happened give and take 100 minutes ago.
I trust in time as a universal healer, the greatest of them all.
Thus, as a general rule, I allow myself time to mourn. To allow the hurt to subside.
However, I feel the primary cause of this particular grievance nowhere near worthy of my energies; my emotions that highly fluctuate. Blinded by misguided love, I believe I will be in danger of softening anytime, like before, and that will never do.
As such, for now at least, it'll be sealed most prudently. Buried in the very deepest abyss.
Best forgotten, never to be mentioned again.
This is the ending.
joviee's musings at 3:51:00 AM ;
0 BEEPS!*
;
0 BEEPS!*
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Inarticulate Proposal
"The fury and madness amplified by impulsive, harsh roars we exchanged. But it is not the never ceasing bawls, but the tranquility of silence, the lonliness of solitude from your sudden absence which tears me apart more than hope and faith can retain.
The mere thought of what was, what is and what will be burns within with such toxicity it suffocates, it chokes. Severed slowly and surely, but the yearning remains, invisible to the eye. To return to the past, but glorious time machine there is none thus the uncompassionate clock will turn back not. Prospect are dry, but even if ripe it will never be as beautific as yesteryear.
Piece the lost jigsaw of me back with your warmth, your affection, your love. Sacrifices and compromises might revitalise, and with time yield what was once thought dead."
Triumph is not beyond possibility; with indomitable spirit and undertaking,
"The fury and madness amplified by impulsive, harsh roars we exchanged. But it is not the never ceasing bawls, but the tranquility of silence, the lonliness of solitude from your sudden absence which tears me apart more than hope and faith can retain.
The mere thought of what was, what is and what will be burns within with such toxicity it suffocates, it chokes. Severed slowly and surely, but the yearning remains, invisible to the eye. To return to the past, but glorious time machine there is none thus the uncompassionate clock will turn back not. Prospect are dry, but even if ripe it will never be as beautific as yesteryear.
Piece the lost jigsaw of me back with your warmth, your affection, your love. Sacrifices and compromises might revitalise, and with time yield what was once thought dead."
Triumph is not beyond possibility; with indomitable spirit and undertaking,
A new flower of us can still bloom.
joviee's musings at 10:25:00 PM ;
0 BEEPS!*
;
0 BEEPS!*
